If I Don't Go Crazy

"This song was recorded in a single take.  The studio engineer, John, felt the track was very powerful. He suggested leaving it as it was, without re-recording the portions where my pitch lost control to my heavy emotions.  My husband agreed.  So here it is. It's raw, unencumbered and unchanged from the first cut.

 

I wrote this song after talking with the priest at our parish, "Father V. "

He knew my sister and I were so close, we often joked that we were twins, born 6 years apart. And it truly felt like that.  We were twins of the heart and soul.

 

Learning to live without her has been a painstaking process I would have never been able to navigate without faith.

 

I knew I had a choice in the face of the worst pain I had ever known. Because free will is a gift we all possess and we can use it as we choose in the face of joy, or adversity, happiness or sorrow. 

How I respond to the troubled waters of life will shape me more significantly than anything. Because navigating calm seas requires little effort.  

So I talked with Father V about my pain and my response to it. He encouraged me to use the pain to grow in my faith, and to know that the Lord understands great pain. 

He encouraged me to "Go out in the back 40 and scream if you have to."

I have screamed a lot since losing Neen. Every tear, every time I "re-remember" what happened, every time I miss her, my soul screams out in sadness. It also screams out for continued hope, faith and comfort.

I sing about "Falling and letting the pain flow from me..."

This means I go to my knees. I pray for her soul.  I pray for my ability to keep soldiering on without her. I can use my pain to help someone else. When we allow God to help us do that, no heartache is wasted. 

My choice is to live by my faith, to not hurt anyone I love and to carry on my beautiful sister's legacy of love, compassion and caring.

I refuse to go crazy. So, I guess I'll do my best to make her proud."

Linda Steber

Bright idea to precede normal

with a word like "new."

Normal is supposed to be

What you're accustomed to

But it's not normal.

You're not here.

What is new is....

What I fear

And if I don't go crazy

I'll make you proud

And if I don't go down that rabbit hole

I'll scream so loud

In the back 40

No one will hear me

I will fall and let this pain flow from me

And I will make you proud

If I don't go crazy

It's the pillars all around me

that have saved my soul

Faith and love strongly united

To let this soul grow old

Just be grateful every day

Before hearts must break with change 

And if I don't go crazy

I'll make you proud

And if I don't go down that rabbit hole

I'll scream so loud

In the back 40

No one will hear me

I will fall and let this pain flow from me

And I will make you proud

If I don't go crazy

Whose bright idea to mask my painful change with a clever catch-phrase?

It's new normal's masquerade

And if I don't go crazy

I'll make you proud

And if I don't go down that rabbit hole

I'll scream so loud

In the back 40

No one will hear me

I will fall and let this pain flow from me

And I will make you proud

I will make you proud

I will make you proud

If I don't go crazy